When Gender Interferes with Love

By: Celeste Song

Love Is Love

Have you always wondered why there are so many flaws in real world relationships? No matter how many times you fantasize and dream of that perfect relationship you always wanted, there will always be a problem, a wall, something that goes wrong. In “Why Can’t Men Love Like Women” by Peggy Drexler Ph.D., Drexler explains how men's brains are not only wired differently, but built differently. She cites credible sources such as neuroscientist Dr. Ruben Gr, and goes on to tell us about the contrasts in how men and women's brains are structured, “beyond the formative impact of testosterone and estrogen,”. Although society plays a big role on why gender is such a limitation of love, there are physical factors that create divergence. Because men are raised in this “system” that gives them predetermined ways on how to feel, it sets limits. And not just for men, for women too. Society tells men that they must feel tougher, they can’t be emotionally dependent on women, and crying makes them weak. Society tells women that they have to be more caring, and a more emotionally supportive person which can be exhausting.

But why? Why can’t there be an even playing field? Why do we need to have a standard on how each gender needs to feel? Why can’t we all be welcome to feel how we genuinely want to feel? Maybe that is the reason why most people feel unsatisfied or disappointed in situations that involve high emotions in their relationships. They have a built in standard in their minds that they expect from the opposite gender. And when they fail to meet the standard, it feels like the whole world is collapsing. The truth is, one person's pain isn’t more valid than the others. Both genders should be allowed to feel how they feel, and their gender shouldn’t be a limit to that. 

Of course, we can’t get rid of that dominating power that creates an imbalance between men and women. There will always be that misogyny that gets in the way of relationships, and societal expectations that poke through every now and then. But we can use that power. A blog by Jan Dworkin shares a story of a couple who gets into a fight. What's special about this couple is how the fight ended. The solution to this couple's fight wasn’t a simple resolution. They didn’t go the easy way of  “both of our problems are reasonable”. In fact, they don’t even make up. Both people were willing to stay in a state of unfairness, and anger. No one necessarily “won” the fight. Instead of running away from the discomfort that comes from staying in the problem, they listen to each other without “fixing” anything. They realized that they can’t just make the other person's issue go away just because it hurts them. Instead, they embrace it. 

The biggest thing we can learn from all of this is that we shouldn’t try to fix or stop the problems in a relationship. Sure, there are some objective things that should be fixed without deeper precautions. But, when there's a problem that happens in a relationship that needs more care, we should tolerate a higher level of discomfort to build a deeper level of trust. Don’t think of ways to “not make them more upset” or “not make them any more angrier than they already are”. This leads to dishonesty, and it may feel good in the moment, but often comes at a price. Reality is going to be painful, so why try to sugar-coat it? This new version of love can be more aching in the moment, but often leads to a better outcome in the long run.

Author: Celeste Song

At 15 years old and spiraling over what I want to pursue in my future, the idea of this article came into my mind after I saw this girl on TikTok grieving at the fact that she will never experience a love that has a balanced playing field such as the one she saw in a movie. Hi, I’m Celeste Song and I’m here to answer some deep questions as a very normal and very curious highschooler. I think me and a lot of other girls who saw that video connected so much, especially because of how we experienced relationships that were severely impacted by societal norms and standards. I resonated with this girl's specific explanation so much that it influenced me to dive deeper. I think in today's society it's hard to find love that is different from the set standard. There are so many expectations wanted from either side and it’s made me ask a lot of questions. I hope my writing and research can help others who are stuck in a rabbit hole of questions around relationships like me, and break the standard that is set for men and women emotionally.

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Cites Used:

Dworkin, Jan . “Jan Dworkin.” Jan Dworkin, 10 Sept. 2016, www.jandworkin.com/blog/2016/9/10/leveling-the-playing-field-in-relationship.

 Accessed 27 Jan. 2026.

“Why Can’t Men Love Like Women? | Psychology Today.” Www.psychologytoday.com, www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/our-gender-ourselves/201109/why-cant-men-love-women.